Under the Fig Tree

I’m sure many of you are familiar with the Sylvia Plath quote about fig trees, but if you’re not -

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

When I first read this quote in my early twenties, I never felt like I could relate to something more. As I’m writing this, I’m sitting on a flight to New York for a modeling job pondering my life. Six years ago, I dropped out of college because I didn’t know what I wanted to do and moved to the glittery city of Los Angeles searching for the answers. I thought it would come to me in some aha moment like the movies. Yet, here I am 25 and still confused about what I want to do. Modeling was meant to support me through college until I found my “calling”. While I’m grateful for it, a big part of my soul is craving being passionate about the work I am doing. When I was a child, I wanted to be an actress, musician, astronaut, and fashion designer. I guess not much has changed. 

One fig is working in the creative space in fashion, another is a full time musician, a glamorous fig is becoming an interior designer, another is working with kids, another fig is becoming a therapist, another is finding a remote job and traveling the world, the last fig is living a very simple life and having a family. I also flirt with figs like becoming a yoga instructor or a chef, and many more that I drift and sift through as I let my mind wander. 

It’s a blessing and a curse to be passionate and interested in so many different things. Sometimes I envy my friends who are focused on one idea and really going for it. My ideas paralyze me and sometimes I feel like I’m floating on a broken boat searching for my life vest. Perhaps one day I’ll just arrive, or my fear is that I’ll land at the fig tree with spoiled ones rotting beside me. 

All of this to say, I don’t think my indecision points to a lack of knowing who I am. I’m someone who loves art, music, traveling, psychology, food, children, and the earth. I romanticize a lot of different lives.  A year ago, I really wanted to be a musician. A few months ago, I went through a big yoga phase and dreamed up a life where I studied yoga and became an instructor. More recently, I thought how meaningful my life would be if I dedicated it to working with children in some way. In recent weeks, I have considered taking mushrooms and hoping to have some sort of epiphany.

I’m sure a lot of people feel this way. It’s a privilege to have big dreams. I know a career doesn’t define you and may not be the key to happiness, but it certainly would bring some fulfillment. I see the passion some people have, those who are called “workaholics”. I’ve had a habit of  dating them because I am so attracted to it. Underneath it was my secret desire to have that for myself. I don’t want to get older starved, surrounded by rotten figs, and regret not pursuing something because I am overwhelmed with the options. I think it’s time to make some decisions, but I want to be sure I am on the right path. Maybe there is no “right path”. I want to try it all! But life is short and a lot of my figs require a proper education.  Maybe I just want to be Anthony Bourdain. I hope to have a meaningful, positive impact on the world, even if it’s small. I’m just having a hard time deciding how.

Sincerely, 

A girl under the fig tree 

(I will update you if I discover my fig(s) soon)