51% Hope

Im laying on the mattress on the floor of my friends extra bedroom. All of my things are in storage for the second time in three months. I’m so happy.

Being in that apartment in Beachwood Canyon was the loneliest I’d ever felt. I spent months pacing up and around the living room, with a view of this big city and the Hollywood sign, yet there I was feeling completely alone in it.

I’m not a very decisive person but I do know I want two children one day. My friend Michael said that this part of my story is to show my future kids how strong I was. Heartbroken, lonely, mattress on the floor but still 51% hopeful.

I bought a small plant from the grocery store to tend to. I put it on my altar. Just to watch it grow. I’ve always said my plants were a symbol of how my inner world was. I let all of the old ones die somewhere along the way.

I might change career paths. My goals in life are shifting. Maybe my frontal lobe has developed. All I want is to be happy, stable, and loving. All I seek is to have a home to call my own, a great community of friends, and a family hopefully one day. I used to care about different things, but I know those things wouldn’t make me happy. I know what my soul is dying for is safety and stability.

I picked up smoking again. My biggest vice. I quit the vape. I’m allowing this one thing for myself right now. I think I deserve it.

I worry I’ll never fall in love again. Maybe not for a long time. I’m particular, this city is notorious for its awful dating scene, and I’m afraid to give myself away like that again.

Maybe my job right now is to make a life that I love. Maybe I’m losing everything to build it all back up. I applied for some jobs in New York. Maybe it’s time to try something completely new. Maybe all of this is is terrifying, but if I can shift my perspective, it’s exciting! This has been the worst 6 months of my adult life, the last year honestly, maybe the next 6 or year from today will be better (I like all numbers in 3s). I have to hold onto that 51% hope.